EU Directive No. 38, 379

Having “nearly run out of things to ban”, the latest direct from the EU concerns poetry. “ ‘Poetry’, especially ‘bad’ poetry, which is to say ‘most poetry’, is a natural consequence of global warming and represents the latest health crisis to afflict the EU; the spread of it could present a catastrophic epidemic to the people of Europe. We must work hard to eradicate it now, before the oceans swallow us up.”

In a bid to reduce the harmful effects of poetry, all poetry books are to come in plain packaging and will contain one of the following Health Warnings:

Poetry kills.

Poetry is highly addictive: Don’t start.

Poetry can lead to a slow and painful death.

Poets die younger.

Protect children: don’t make them listen to your poetry.

Poems contain benzene, nitrosamines, formaldehyde and hydrogen cyanide.

Poetry may reduce the blood flow and causes impotence.

Warning: poems are addictive.

Poetry clogs the arteries and causes heart attacks and strokes.

Quitting will improve your health.


Poetry will be banned in 2017, after a referendum in which the people voted with their pencils.